The Cake

Snore…wheeze…snore…wheeze…snore…wheeze…


Clank clank.


Sniff sniff sniff.


Wha—what is that? What’s happening? Is that…?


Yawn.


Sniff sniff.


Is—is that what I think it is?!


Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff…


Scurry scurry.


Creak…


GASP!


It IS!


CAKE!


THEY’RE MAKING CAKE!


… … …


JULY 9, 2021


9:47 am


Woke up to the smell of cake—chocolate cake, to be exact. It has been approximately 96 days since they last made cake. I’m very excited about today. I wonder if they will perform the Cake Ritual later…I hope not. It’s is a waste of time and insults the perfection of the cake. But I’m getting ahead of myself. The point is that there is cake, and this excites me. Will report back later with more findings—right now, there is cake-making to observe.


… … …


Click click click.


Scurry scurry.


Creak.


Sniff sniff.


Ahh, cake. Sweet, sweet cake. It must be in the hot cave already—that would be why it smells so good. I wonder if I can get a closer look…


Creeeeeak.


Sniff sniff left…sniff sniff right…


Looks like the coast is clear…


Scurry scurry scamper scamper scurry…


JUMP.


Hm…can’t see much. Where was that light button again? Aha! There it is.


Beep.


Oh…just look at it. It is indeed a sight to behold! It still looks a little gooey, I’d estimate it still needs perhaps twenty or so more minutes?


SNIFF…sigh.


Mmm…I could sit here watching cake grow all day.


Twitch twitch.


Then again, if I watched it all day, then I’d never get to eat it…and that’s arguably the best part about cake!


Twitch twitch twitch.


Maybe, I could sample a little bit of the gooey cake while it finishes growing…let me just get a little closer here and—


Boop.


OUCH! HOT. THAT WAS HOT. I DID NOT LIKE THAT!


… … …


10:21 am


Discovered this morning that the hot cave really is hot (who knew?). Previous assumptions had it that it was a warm, cozy little cave, where the gooey cake took a nap and grew into the squishy cake. This hypothesis has since been proven very false.


New hypothesis #1: Hot cave is hot. Very hot. Evidenced by burnt right paw, which is now red and puffy.


New hypothesis #2: Frozen water remedies skin burns. Evidenced by sticking right paw on a tall glass with frozen water cubes, which appeared to ease the pain. Keep this in mind for future reference, and for future experimentation.


Back to cake-watching.


… … …


Sniff sniff left sniff sniff right scurry scurry scamper scamper scurry JUMP.


Oh cake. Oh glorious cake. It already looks less gooey than before.


Slurp.


I cannot wait to eat this cake. It shall be a glorious event, indeed. I wonder if they’ll put those rainbow sugar sticks on the top…or the sticky flowers.


Twitch…twitch.


Ooo, maybe they’ll put strawberries in the middle like they did last year!


…twitch…


Or maybe more chocolate. Yes, more chocolate is most definitely the best-case scenario here.


POUNCE!


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO! BACK—GET BACK YOU BEAST! I WASN’T EVEN BOTHERING YOU! GET BACK—BACK, I SAY!


… … …


10:36 am


The orange and white purring fur-beast (otherwise known as “Cat”) is afoot. This is perplexing as historical research has determined that “Cat” rests atop the large sitting device by the even larger glass rectangle at the front of the house, watching for, what the humans refer to as, “Critters,” between the hours of 7:00 and 11:00 am; therefore, “Cat” should not have been present in the kitchen at this time. A perplexing incident, indeed. This researcher almost lost his tail as a result.


Note to self: stay alert and aware of surroundings—“Cat” clearly cannot be trusted to maintain a schedule.


… … …


DING.


Sniff sniff sniff.


Gasp.


Can it be? Is it done already?!


Creak.


Sniff…sniff…


It is! Oh happy day! There they go, taking it out of the hot cave—oh but doesn’t it just look exquisite? Let’s see what they put on it…


Wait, where are they going? They’re just…walking away?! And LEAVING the cake on the counter? Where the treacherous fur beast could get it?! Oh no no no no no no NO. Not on my watch!


I should…no, that’s too risky…but who else is going to?...but what if the beast comes back and gets me and the cake?...but then again, I don’t see anyone else stepping up to the plate here…okay. Okay. I shall do it.


Sniff sniff left


Sniff sniff right


Scurry scurry


Scamper scamper


Scurry


JUMP.


Okay, I am here, guarding the cake, or the “Cake Guardian,” if you will…yes, I like the sound of that. “Cake Guardian,” on the case!


‘Not so fast, thief!’ Heehee!


Swish swish.


‘You’ll never steal cake on the Cake Guardian’s watch!’ Oh yes, that’s a good one!


Sniff…sniff sniff…sniff.


Mm…it does smell good. Perhaps even better from down here than it does up there in my room!


Sniff…sniff…


I wonder if it smells better the closer I get to it…I should test this hypothesis.


Sniff sniff, step. Sniff sniff sniff, step. Sniff, step. Sniff, step. Sniff, step…


Boop.


OWWWWOWOWOWOWOWWWWWWW! NOT AGAIN!


… … …


10:58 am


Hypothesis #1 evidence: Hot cave appears to make cake very hot…even after it leaves the hot cave.


Hypothesis #2 evidence: Frozen water cubes soothed burned snout…which is also now red and puffy. Paw is less puffy as of now, but still red. And throbbing.


Conclusion: Hot cave is dangerous and unpleasant…yet somehow creates delicious cake? Perplexing…


… … …


Sniffle.


Ouch. That really hurt my paw. And my nose. At least I can still type.


Sniffle sniffle.


I should check on the cake, make sure it’s still there and untouched…


Creak.


HISS.


Slam.


… … …


11:07 am


The evil fur beast is afoot…still.


… … …


Thud.


Hmph. I swear, if that fuzz-butt so much as LOOKS at that cake, I’m coming for it myself! As soon as my paw heals…


Sniff sniff sniff.


I wonder when they’re going to decorate the cake. I don’t hear anything out there, so they must not have started that yet. Maybe I should check on it again (if the evil fur brute is gone).


Creak…


Sniff.


Do I dare…? It’s been burn, “Cat,” burn, “Cat”—therefore, if the pattern holds, I’m likely to end up with a burned tail or ear or tushie…


Shudder.


Oof…I hurt just thinking about that…but also…


Snifffffffffffffffffffff


It just smells SO GOOD.


Hm…


Tap tap tap…


Probably not—


Sniff.


Sniff.


Sniff.


You know, I think it’s worth the risk.


Scurry scurry scamper scamper scurry JUMP.


Gasp.


Oh cake. Sweet, sweet cake. I could just kiss yo—wait. Nope. Fooled me once, but not twice! Don’t follow the pattern, just focus!


But oh, how beautiful you look—and smell.


Sigh.


Throb. Throb. Throb.


Okay, paw, you’re ruining the moment. Could you try to not do that? Thank you.


Throb. Throb…throb throb throb throb throb.


Sheesh, my paw still really hurts. Is there any more of that frozen water?


Skitter skitter.


Bingo. Ahh, that feels better!


Thump thump thump…


Uh oh! They’re coming! Ah, but I want the frozen water! Hmm…


Clunk drip clunk drip clunk drip clunk drip.


Creak.


… … …


12:01 pm


The tall human came back to check on the cake. Somehow they put their entire hand on the cake and seemed to endure zero pain. How? I cannot say. But they touched the cake, and then left again. Perhaps they are immune to the effect of heat on skin? I shall have to observe and test this hypothesis at a later time.


I have decided to continue to watch the cake from my cupboard home, away from feline eyes (and claws), with a block of frozen water to help my throbbing paw (and snout).


Will update when the decoration process begins.


… … …


12:35 pm


Update: The decoration process still has not started.


… … …


12:58 pm


Update: Still nothing yet, but watched “Cat” chase nothing through the cooking room. Laughed at its stupidity.


… … …


1:09 pm


Update: No decorating yet: this researcher has determined that humans are slow.


… … …


1:41 pm


Update: Frozen water cube is no longer frozen…it’s just water now.


… … …


2:13 pm


Update: A fly almost landed on the cake. Almost.


… … …


2:50 pm


Update: WHY. WHY ARE THEY TAKING SO LONG? THE CAKE IS GOING TO ROT AND I’M GOING TO DIE BEFORE I EVER SEE THE FINISHED PRODUCT. MY STOMACH IS ABOUT TO EAT ITSELF FROM ANTICIPATION.


… … …


3:03 pm


Update: My apologies for my previous outburst. Realized I was just hungry, or “hangry,” as one of the small humans often says. Found a cracker on top of the refrigerator. Ate the cracker. Am feeling better now.


… … …


4:56 pm


Update: Accidentally fell asleep—had what the small humans refer to as a “food coma” after rapidly eating the cracker. Checked on cake—still nothing. Shall recommence napping forthwith.


… … …


Snore…wheeze…snore…wheeze…snore…wheeze…


Clank clunk clink.


CLANG.


AH! WHO—WA—WHAT WAS THAT?!


…could it be?!


Creak…


GASP!


Oh boy! It has begun!!!


Slam.


… … …


5:22 pm


Update: Cake decorating has finally commenced.


… … …


Creak.


Okay, let’s see, what are we working with here? I see…ooh! I see chocolate-colored sticky sugar spread! Yes! I was hoping they would use that one! And…hm…what else can I see. Ope!


Swish.


creak…


Sniff.


That was a close one! Okay, focus! I see—


GASP!


YES! The rainbow sugar sticks! Oh happy day! Ooh, what are they doing now? It looks like they’re…what are they doing? Wow, oh how interesting! They’re making chocolate flowers blobs out of the chocolate sticky sugar spread! That does look nice…and it means extra sugary sweetness. I just cannot wait to taste this delectable creation!


Lick, slurp.


They seem to be done with the decorating which means it’s time for the eating! Wait, what are they doin—oh no. Don’t you dare—don’t you disparage that beautiful cake with your nasty wax fire sticks and—nope. They’re doing it.


… … …


6:14 pm


They’re doing it. They’re performing the pointless cake ceremony. They put the tiny fire sticks into the top of the cake, sang a horrendously out of tune song, and then one human in a ridiculous cone hat breathed (and also, on this occasion, spit) at the fire sticks to put them out. And then they ate the cake. Frankly I don’t understand how they could slander a perfectly good cake with such a ridiculous and frivolous ceremony, but what do I know? I’m a rat who lives in a cupboard.


… … …


Drip, drip, drip.


Clink, clank.


Creak, thud.


Click.


Silence.


Are they done?


Creak.


Sniff…sniff…sniff.


They are. Now where is that—CAKE!


Angels singing.


Time to get me some gloriously moist and chocolately cake!


Sniff sniff left…sniff sniff right…


Scurry scurry scamper scamper scurry…


JUMP.


There it is, in all its magnificence. Come to me, sweet cake!


… … …


9:38 pm


The cake was superb. Ate many sugar sticks and sticky chocolate goo (in addition to cake). “Cat” didn’t even show up—was an experience well worth waiting for. And now, a second “food coma” is upon me. Time for a nice long nap.


… … …

Yawn.


Stretch.


Snore…wheeze…snore…wheeze…snore…wheeze…snore….


… … …


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Photo credit: American Heritage Chocolate from Unsplash